Monday, 10 April 2017
By TIM DAVID HARVEY.
Hare Jordan. I believe a rabbit can fly like an eagle! And if you see it, then you can be it...there's nothing to it. Believe it! And like a kiss from the rose of Seal, Chicago's greatest like R. Kelly is about to take him there.
The year is 1996 and it's time to warn a brother. Because this ones for all the carrots. Little green men have invaded, or maybe it's just Danny DeVito? But these aliens haven't come to get our landmarks like Jeff Goldblum's 'Independence Day' that year. But more like the special set of skills from the golden era NBA's best and brightest. New York Knick legend Patrick Ewing. The mound round of rebound, Chuck, Charles Barkley, Charlotte Hornet Grandmama Larry Johnson, the biggest little man to ever step up to this game Tyrone 'Muggsey' Bogues. And...erm Shawn Bradley. Well he is 7 foot 6 afterall.
All so these little spacemen can grow and bulk like Blake Griffin to become the 'Monstars' (the worst team since the Sixers before The Process when they ran out of answers), and challenge the Looney Tunes of Daffy Duck, Tweetie Pie and Porky the Pig to a game of basketball like Prince and his revolution of pancakes to Dave Chappelle and Charlie Murphy. Hitting them em' up high like B-Real, Busta Rhymes, Method Man, Coolio and LL Cool J. The forefit? A life of slavery in the name of entertainment on Moron Mountain for our favourite cartoon rabbit hole characters that only Walt Disney would love to see.
So what's a Marvin the Martian to do? How can they beat these hustlers at their own game. They need to get themselves a real player like Kobe Bryant in 'Hang Time', no matter how good Lola Bunny's handle is. Who else they got? Wayne Nedry?! You see what happened to him in 'Jurassic Park'? Bill Murray lost in 'Who Framed Roger Rabbit' like animated translation? They need to crown a player fit for King. But LeBron's just a baby. How about the greatest? Six time champ Michael Jordan. The best sportsman of all-time next to the greatest Muhammed Ali. Besides he's just retired from the Chicago Bulls to play minor league baseball in the name of his father. Inbetween hitting the links of the retirement rounds with Boston Celtic legend Larry Bird who legend has it once thought M.J. was God in disguise. And boy was he right on the dollar with Money.
So here's the plan. Wait until they're playing a round of golf. Give it some time. Maybe wait 'till around the back nine. Wait for the greatest competitor of all-time to hit a hole in one and pose for a picture as he retrieves his ball from the cup and GRAB him!
What the hell was in that camera flash?! Pure entertainment as Mike is whisked to another dimension and you gotta like that. All so he can join a team a couple of blue chips away from running the picket fence like Hoosiers. But never fear M.J. is here. To run alongside his new Pippen, Bugs Bunny and win the game and the day. Saving all our childhood heroes and giving all the NBA legends their powers back. Let Shawn have his too ball...please! Hey, even Barkley promised he'd never date Madonna again.
So all those with a Basketball Jones like Chris Rock and Barry White get ready for the most out of this world game you've ever seen. From the time the most dominant of all-time Wilt Chamberlain scored 100 points in a single contest, to last night when Jordan Brand's own Russell Westbrook broke legend Oscar Robertson's half century record for triple-doubles in a season. If you didn't get a ticket for this ESPN Classic. Don't worry there's always the '30 For 30' documentary. And a Tune Squad throwback for your number 23 collection to go between all your red, white and Nike Air black Chicago Bulls jerseys book-ended by your North Carolina and Washington Wizards one. And who knows a rematch may even fly with Griffin like a 'White Men (Still) Can't Jump' sequel. But until number 32, let's flip it back to the time the G.O.A.T. won the game on a buzzer beating dunk that strong arm stretched further than his classic free-throw line Slam Dunck contest one.
Welcome back to the Space Jam.
Yabidda-Yabidda! That's all folks!
Tuesday, 7 February 2017
With all over the rim, above due respect to the following. The Air of Aaron Gordon, who should take the chip he was robbed of off his shoulder in last years Slam Dunk Contest. Although we love what two time winner Zach LaVine did and wish him and his ACL could dunk again this time for his chance of a trilogy (get well soon young Wolf). In-game in the paint, rim ripper, Clipper-even over Blake Griffin in Lob City-DeAndre (Airbus) Jordan. The son of Milwaukee's Big Dog, the Pacers Glenn Robinson III. And Derrick Jones Jr who has risen from the D-League's North Arizona Suns to their NBA affiliate like a...well you know the rest. There's a few more names we'd like to see take flight this year like Mike from the free throw line 29 years to the day yesterday, in this All-Star weekends Slam Dunk Contest in New Orleans. No matter if they said N.O. it'd be a court carnival with these names. Just like it would if the King went for the crown...hey LeBron did promise a season or two back. Come on James! Apart from the man who takes the throne in The Land how about these names to mount the Rushmore line-up...
LARRY NANCE JR.: Like father, like dunk. No contest. Well not this year again anyway. Larry Springer still has one in his step but injury is keeping him jumping off the couch like Tom Cruise or anyone watching him at home on T.V. would be like Jerry security. Still when Flight 7 is cleared for take off and Lob City is claimed by the gold part of Los Angeles that's trying to bring Showtime back, it's like an in-game contest for the first dunk champ Larry Nance's boy. And the winner is...junior. Here's looking at you next year kid.
RUSSELL WESTBROOK: This dynamo is like dynamite in the open court. Give him the whole open floor...C4. BOOM! The fact that we haven't seen Russell Westbrook in a Dunk Contest yet is as unreal as his hops. When he runs the fast break he leaves even LeBron's basketball quarterbacking skills a little deflated. This MVP machine, triple-double averaging superstar of Jordan airs and co-signs isn't even a starter in this years All-Star game. Controversial? No! Plain and simply contradictory to his play. Just wrong. He wasn't snubbed...he was robbed. Think he's going to take it out on someone? What do you think he's been doing all season? Now there will plenty of drama on the pine as he battles with the Warriors three and his former brother in arms Kevin Durant of Golden State. But we don't want that like no love lost. We want some real entertainment.
GIANNIS ANTETOKOUNMPO: Don't worry about spelling his name right...all you gotta do is hold up 10's. This deer strikes fear into the heart of his hunted opponent as he runs the floor like a gazelle. But have you seen how this Milwaukee Bucks 'em down? If he raises his antlers no one will be able to handle his charge as this Point Guard who moves about the floor and the defenders spacing like a rabbit when he's at it jacks it up. Above the rim he can move his body like a contortionist to find his air space. Forget behind the back! How about leg behind the head? That should mean he has an showstopping array of dunks in his magic box. Wait for the next game to believe. But this showman was built for another stage. It doesn't use all the letters of the alphabet. But you can't spell Slam Dunk without some of Giannis Antetokounmpo.
VINCE CARTER: Can we get some Air for Canada? This should have happened last year in the 2016 All-Star Weekend in Toronto, Ontario. By this year with the bourbon off the shelf in New Orleans it may be too late. The Vinsanity is about to retire. But call us crazy this half man/half amazing, all the works of the basketball Gods could still win. The 40 year old has still got it. At the weekend you saw those blocks. All year you've seen those hops. Just like his entire career he Nike aired. The Memphis Grizzlies vet was only in one contest in his prime as a Toronto Raptor. But that was all he needed as he rendered the competition extinct since. The tomahawk. The free-throw line. The honey-dip. The through the legs. We just want to see it again. From him. No imitation. The real thing. On his final flight around the basketball world. His maiden voyage. Air Carter. We salute! TIM DAVID HARVEY.